The Body Positivity/Confidence movement that has been going on lately seems to have got me thinking as well.
Growing up I was always tall and skinny, according to all kinds of charts I was actually underweight. At 16 I was already 1.75m tall and weighing in at barely 52kg. My boyfriend at the time barely dared to give me big bearhugs, out of fear I’d snap in two. I also remember shopping for a Christmas dress with mom that year. I’d seen a lovely burgundy colored velvet dress. I can still picture it in my mind: it had a princess waist with a wide skirt, 3/4 sleeves and a boatneck. Oh, how I fell in love with it! Until we went to the shop and I tried it on. The smallest size they had and still it hung on me like a trashbag on a coathanger…
All those years, no matter what I tried, I just couldn’t seem to gain any weight. I’d spend free hours from school eating at the big yellow M and still I had people come up to me expressing worried thoughts about me having anorexia or boulimia. So very frustrating!
And then I turned 18. I started to gain weight, over 15kg in under a year. At first I was so happy. Finally I could fill up nice clothes, I felt healthy, things were looking up. Except… the gaining didn’t stop. It didn’t go fast, I’m talking about a period of over 10 years in total. I remember standing on my scale and seeing the number 78 appearing. Things seemed to have gotten out of hand, I never wanted to go beyond 70!
I still don’t know exactly what changed, but at that point I slowly started to lose weight. It wasn’t until a coworker pointed it out after coming back from a summer holiday that I notices myself. Not long after the relationship I was in broke apart my weight dropped further and further. Weighed in at 62kg early 2011. That was the lowest I reached, and I loved it! I got me some great rockabilly clothes, my favorite item was a super tight capri jeans. I got the tattoo I’d dreamed of for years, a sexy pinup on my left flank. I flourished! And yet, I started to gain weight again. My diet hadn’t changed, I still don’t really know what triggered it but I think it was because I was so happy again after a rough year. And I met B, best thing ever to happen. And he can cook. REALLY good! But I passed the 80kg mark. Dammit.
I’ve never really minded being somewhat curvy, heck, pinup/rockabilly outfits look so awesome with a decent bum and boobs to fill them out! But still, for the past 2 years I’ve been terribly unhappy with my reflection in the mirror. Tried so much, working out more, watching the food intake but nothing was working. Early this year I signed up at the gym and going twice a week seemed to have a bit of effect. And again, I stalled/gave up/quit. I have so much trouble staying motivated, I really don’t know what to do about that anymore.
But strangely, my body confidence has changed, for lately I absolutely love my body. There’s a little human growing in there, my belly is expanding, I’ve hit the 90kg mark and I can’t stop looking at myself in the mirror. My body is GORGEOUS! I continuously rub the bump, admire my rounding bum, my bigger breasts, everything. I could swear my breasts stood a couple of inches higher last year, but I don’t care, I’m loving all of it. I’ve never felt this comfortable in my own skin <3
Finally I get it. The number on the scale is just that, a number. What I see in the mirror matters less (although wearing clothes that actually fit and accentuate the right bits and pieces helps a lot). It’s about how I feel in my skin and it’s awesome!
Yes, once Munchkin arrives I’m slowly going start exercising again, walking with him first and building up to running again. The only sport I’ve always truly enjoyed. Not so much for losing the pregnancy weight, but first and foremost to be a fit and healthy woman, lover and mom. With sexy curves 😉
Wow. This became quite a long and personal post.